Are we the enemy?

So I haven't posted in a while for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I haven't known how to express how excited, happy, and yet how at the same time how horribly scared and bad we feel right now about some things that are going on and have taken place in the past week.

As many of you know, last weekend was our first visit with our two little ones Makayla and Jose and it went absolutely wonderful!! It couldn't have gone any better, with the only exception being that it was extremely difficult to have to take them back to their foster home on Sunday. We made sure to call them and check on them, and they were so excited to hear from us and were asking when mommy and daddy were coming back to get them, and how many more days until Friday. They also had a counseling session on Thursday and the counselor called afterwards to tell us that she was very pleased to hear that things had gone so well. She had said that they had both been very happy to come in and share with her all of the wonderful things that we had done, and talk about their new home and mommy and daddy and brothers and sister. They even both played with these little dolls and picked out our whole family and drove us all around in a little van to go "pick out Halloween costumes."

The counselor has also told us that Alexis had even come in and had also showed her our picture book and pointed out the pictures of our house and had shown her the pictures of us. She had taken that as a good sign that Alexis was becoming curious, and that maybe by Makayla and Jose returning to the foster home and talking about how wonderful we were and how much fun they had, that she might change her mind about coming for a visit soon. We were hopeful too.

So we had a visit planned for Saturday with Aaron, the brother who is also in foster care with a wonderful foster family in Waxahachie. We had a day of cooking out planned at their home, and the plan was for the foster mother to bring Alexis and drop her off for the day. She brought her about an hour late and when Alexis came, she said that Shanette (the foster mother) was driving around the neighborhood and that she would only be staying for a little bit. Then she headed to the backyard by herself and did not say a word to the rest of us or her brothers or sister. Aaron decided to go talk to her, but it didn't last long. Ronda (the kid's casework-I know this gets confusing, believe me-it does for us too!!) tells me and Chad to go try and talk to her, so trying not to pee myself we head to the backyard. I try telling myself not to be scared of a 12 year old, but for some reason my brain is just not listening and my heart is again beating in my eardrums. We make random chit chat, while she sits there probably thinking to herself how stupid we are- and then out of nowhere tells us "I am not being adopted!" "I don't care what you say, I don't have to listen to you!" "I don't have to come visit you, or get to know you!" " I don't want to be adopted!" umm...ummmm.....ummmmmm.........helllloooo????!!!

Chad sort of in a daze randomly and cheezily, as he is so good at, spouts off how family is so important, and me being totally caught off guard and with the biggest lump in my throat and what I can only imagine is probably a look of total horror and shock on my face, says something like "but, but we really care about you and only want to give you well- everything! When really I want to show her my blog, diary, and letters back & forth to the caseworkers, CASA, and state representatives to show her just how hard we have fought for her for months to protect her. I want to show her that at the mere mention of being interested in cheerleading I e-mailed the 380 youth sports league right away to see about when sign-ups were, and then called around town to find dance classes. I wanted to tell her that Chad can't wait to take his girls to the father daughter dance for the first time since he has never gotten to take Avery and now he will be able to go, and how much this means to him. But we can't tell her any of this.

Needless to say, the day did not turn out well. She ended up asking to leave. Shanette was called. Then another case worker was called that we had never met. This ended up being Shanette's boss, Kristy. See, it gets WAY confusing- this is why nothing gets done, there are too many hands in the cookie jar. So everyone ended up having to go in the living room where Alexis was told in no uncertain terms that basically Jose and Makayla were being adopted. Period. If she wanted to have contact with them, she was going to have to get to know us and to do that, meant having visits with us. Alexis then broke down saying again that she did not want to be adopted. Kristy made it clear that we would cross that bridge later but wanted Alexis to be very clear that when we were around she was to have contact. Gee, made us feel super special.

After Alexis left, Kristy told us that she has known Alexis longer than anyone and she has no doubt that Alexis will come around, but that she is still terrified and grieving. But that she does want to be with Jose and Makayla and that is the key, and if we can get her to at least visit us and not talk about adoption and get her to know us and realize that she actually likes us, she will change her mind. Chad thinks so too. I am not so sure, and am pretty shaken up at this point and am not sure where to go or how to feel. I just know that this little girl is hurting and has been through a lot. I know I could help, but if I can't even see her I am not sure how I can ever do that. I have no doubt that we could make her happy again, but we just have to be given a chance first. Leaving the decision in the hands of a 12 yr old is just not responsible. Yet there seem to be a lot of not so responsible decisions being made on behalf of many children in foster care. I am just now getting up close and personal with some of them.

We are being met with quite a bit of hostility by the foster mother, and only briefly met the foster father. There have been some questionable decisions made regarding healthcare that I can not go into at this point that do not shed a really great light on the foster care "industry", and make allegations of money motivation become much more legitimate and heartbreakingly realistic. In my career as a student for counseling I have had to write many papers on the subject of these types of things, but never have my eyes been quite so open as they are now. And to know that it is all because of my children is killing me and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot I can do about it which is even worse. I wish I could say more.....

This sunday in church our preacher talked about loving your kids being number one and being affectionate. As I sat there kissing all over Makayla, who has clung to me since day one I couldn't agree more. I had never considered myself an affectionate person, until I had children. And if you ask my husband, he will tell you that I don't give him enough attention still and am not cuddly with him. But my kids are a different story. They probably get sick of my constant kisses and hugs. We also tell our kids a million times a day that we love them. The second thing he said was time, I couldn't agree more. I could lose myself just sitting there watching Jack and Adler play with Hot Wheels, or Avery dance for the hundredth time to Hannah Montana even if it means falling behind on deadlines or never watching TV, which is rarely on in my living room. I can't wait to show Alexis, Jose, and Makayla what it is like to have parents that want to spend time with them doing the things that they like and enjoy. I can't wait for them to finally know what it is like to feel unconditional acceptance and love, and that we are not going anywhere and that even if they make us mad, we will still be right here with them.

Sadly, there are so many more things that I can not disclose that we are struggling with that go even deeper. So if you haven't seen or heard from us the past few weeks, please know that it is not because we are ignoring you or being rude. We are simply overwhelmed, and drowning for lack of a better word, in responsibilities right now. Chad is starting the second week of his new job, and that is going great. However, we are still coaching soccer, volunteering at Avery's school, and I am still full time in grad school 2 nights a week with all of this going on. So with placement, meetings with social workers, case workers, CASA, and counselors, as well driving to Corsicana twice a week right now- we are burning it at both ends and exhausted.

So if you see us and we are walking around looking like zombies, or you talk to us and we look like we are not all there....we probably aren't- we may actually be half awake! There are days I spend running to the bathroom to cry, sometimes I know why...other times I don't really know, it just sort of sneaks up on me. The doubts of whether or not I can be everything to everyone all at once went out the window pretty quickly, but I still every once in a while wonder if I am strong enough to just simply do the everyday things like feed em' all, bathe em' all, and get em' all out the door. Not to mention when everyone wants to sit by me and hold my hand at the same time, that one gets kind of tricky, but I could think of worse things to have to worry about:)

We'll keep you posted, keep us in your prayers & keep your fingers crossed that we can have placement before the month is over!!

~Much Love~

The Watson's

Our first weekend together

Do I begin with how long it took me to get everyone bathed and ready to go on Saturday morning or how confusing it was to order food at Jack in the Box? I think I will just go right for the heartstrings as I seem to know no other way apparently. This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions. Chad and I both caught each other on numerous occasions looking at each other with those knowing glances of "Awe, how sweet is that?" to "What the hell have we gotten ourselves into, how did we ever think we could manage this, we are never going to be able to go out in public and not lose one of our kids, not to mention order in a drive thru ever again where anyone can hear us over all the kids talking, and what about all the tears we have shed, whassup with that, huh?!"

I was so scared when we went to pick them up that they wouldn't even want to go with us when they figured out that it was for the whole weekend, but nope they were all for it and hopped in the van without even saying goodbye, we had to remind them. So that was a good sign. This was the first time all of the kids had met and they hit it off. Everyone except for Alexis of course who only briefly said hi and then went back inside. This was disappointing, especially to Avery who had looked so very forward to meeting her new sister. This was quickly forgotten however as little Makayla took Avery over completely as soon as we left the house and had Avery captivated the whole weekend. And Jack and Jose made best friends the minute they saw each other. I could not have imagined a better fit.

Friday night when we got home we just hung out at home. They loved their new rooms and beds. By the end of the night they both informed us at dinner that they wanted to stay forever, and kept asking if this was their house too. Such a weird situation, it is really the only way to describe it. They also both quickly started calling us mommy and daddy. Another thing that was surprising and sweet. We have both gone through such a range of emotions, it is so hard to put into words. On the one hand you feel this loyalty to your bio kids and worry about how they are feeling. Are we making them feel sad in any way? Are they feeling jealous or left out, or God forbid replaced? So then at one point my guilt totally took over me, and I was feeling somehow selfish for doing this to them. Does this make any sense at all?

But then that night we put the kids to bed and Makayla was having a hard time, she was so sad and confused. She just wanted to be held and kept saying mommy hold me and rubbing her little eyes and not letting her tears out, but just sniffling and rubbing her eyes raw almost. All I could think of as I held this tiny little curly haired, delicate, beautiful, angelic, pouty-lipped, little angel, was she is my child. Just like Avery. Just like Jack. Just like Adler. To think that someone has done this baby wrong and she should ever have had to learn to hold back her tears because it is not safe in this world to let them out.....I have to change that from this point on I will hold her, protect her, comfort her, and dry her tears. And Jose's. All of my children's. No more doubting, we were given this path for a reason.

On to happier stuff-

On Saturday, the fun began with an adventure around the neighborhood. We took the wagon and scooters around the hood to the clubhouse and showed the kids the pool. They wanted to of course go swimming right now!! Then we fed hot dog buns to the fish, played at the park, then headed to the duck pond to feed the ducks. They loved getting to see the baby ducklings, until the big ole ugly ducks kept trying to eat their hot dog buns right outta their hands. They didn't like that too much. Pretty much freaked all the kiddos out, except for Monkey for some reason- he thought it was pretty funny!

After that we went to the big Halloween store in Plano to get costumes. Avery already got a Pink Punk Pirate, Jack a Ghostbuster, and Adler a powder blue one piece sequined disco costume complete with an Afro wig. Jose chose the Blue Power Ranger and we got him a really cool gun (it's from Star Trek, but shhhh....he doesn't really know it's not the Power Ranger one, they were out!) Makayla, after singing Lady Gaga's Paparazzi throughout the store, chose to be a pink fairy. And of course Mommy had to get a costume too. It was hard to find anything appropriate for adult women, man they are all so hoochie-fied! But I went with the car hop since it was the only one that covered all the essential parts.

Sunday was church and God must have been watching over us because everything seemed to just fall into place. We got up early and figured out that we need to bathe everyone at night, so that was already done. We were even ready to go with time to spare and arrived at church and were in our seats with time to spare! I was so proud to finally be able to show off my whole family. I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep it together or not, especially after getting a big hug from Kristi when I walked in, and her starting to tear up:)

Then it was off to the church picnic and pumpkin painting, which all the kids loved. It was a little chaotic for mommy and daddy. Especially since all of my parents were there, and so part of me felt the need to chit chat, yet at the same time it was stressful trying to keep track of all the kids at something like that when you are new to the situation. Especially for someone like me who doesn't let their kids out of their sight for a second. After all of this, it was sadly time to take the kids back, so we had to go to the house to get their stuff.

When we got home, Jose ran inside and upstairs and disappeared. So we all started looking for him and couldn't find him. Chad finally found him hiding in his closet. He was hiding because he didn't want to go. He said he didn't want us to "send him back". This killed us. Yet another example of why these kids belong to us, in our hearts, souls, and home. Forever.

The good news is we heard from Ronda today that the evaluations we are waiting on for placements to be final should be finished hopefully before the week is over. So when we pick up the two little ones on Friday maybe this will be for good!! We are taking a different approach with Alexis and are focusing on getting the two little ones home first to take some pressure off of her right now. Once they are home we will then shift focus on getting her here to see them. Then the idea is to make the visits more about seeing them and building a relationship with us then about adoption. Maybe this will ease some of her fears, we hope. The foster mother has also been talked to that she needs to be more encouraging since when we went to take the little ones home she didn't even have Alexis around for us to say hi, and that is just not cool.

This weekend we will also be taking the kids to have a visit with their brother Aaron. I have been talking on the phone with his foster mother today, she is a very nice lady and has even sent me pictures from his birthday party of Aaron, Jose, and Makayla. It does my heart good to see Aaron so happy and well adjusted, and to know that he is in a safe environment. We look so very forward to meeting him and having a fun family cookout on Saturday and letting the kids enjoy each other as it appears that they have not gotten to have a visit in quite some time!!

The sweetest thing was when we got home and both Jack and Avery said out of nowhere that they miss their brother and sister and wish they were home. We are very anxious for our future and though we know there will be some tough times and adjustments for all ahead of us, we are looking forward to where our family is headed and what God has in store for us.

~The Watson's

More coming soon!

MET OUR KIDS!!!

Where do I even begin? Chad and I were so freaked out we didn't even know what to say to each other on the way there, I don't think. When we got to the right town we were supposed to wait for Ronda, the caseworker, to call and let us know to go ahead and head to the house. So we decided to stop and get some flowers for the foster mom, to thank her for taking such good care of our babies. While we were waiting, we get a call from Ronda that it is okay to come, and that Jose wants to say hi. This raspy little voice gets on the phone, first with Chad and tells him that his is so excited to meet him, and can't wait for him to get there. Chad tells him he is excited too, and really nervous, but that Jose's call just made him feel so much better. Then I get on the phone, and he says "where are you? when are you coming to see me?" and I tell him that we are just a few minutes away, and he says "please hurry, I really want to see you and I can't wait anymore!" I wanted to just throw the flowers down and start running down the street!! This eased our anxiety quite a bit, needless to say, though we were still worried about how Alexis would greet us. We weren't sure what we would be walking into and if the foster parents would be welcoming or not either.

When we pulled up to the house Makayla and Jose both had our little family books in their hands and walked right up to us and immediately started asking us questions. They wanted to know if we were the mom and dad, and was that really our house, and which room was their room, and were those the brothers and sister. They liked the pictures of the dogs, and the doggie door:) Makayla loved her dress up clothes and put her sunglasses on right away and carried her purse the rest of the night. If the foster mom would have let her wear the purple, ruffled dress out to eat I think she would have. Personally, I would have let her, but I didn't want to step on any toes! Jose was super excited about his sports stuff- and right away took Chad off to the yard to play baseball. Things could not have gone any better with the little ones.

Alexis was a little tougher, as we all expected, but still it went much better than I had hoped for. When we got there she kind of stood back. I could tell she was interested, but scared. She smiled when we introduced ourselves. I just wanted to hug her and tell her I loved her and that everything would be okay. I didn't take it personal, but it did hurt a little to think she looks at us like we are doing something to intentionally hurt her. She seemed pleased to see her brother and sister interact with us the way that they did, and I think that was a good start. When we told them all we had presents this got her attention and she did move closer and sat behind us on the couch. We saved her present for last. I handed her the letters that me, Chad, and Avery wrote to her and told her she could read them when she felt like it. Then I handed her the ipod and her face visibly lit up. I told her we weren't sure what kind of music she like but that we had put Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus on it, I mean what 12 year old girl doesn't like Miley Cyrus right? Ummmm, this one! But she found that amusing at least and I told her we could just take it off and get her whatever she wanted. Someday this can be our funny family story- crazy mom loaded her ipod with cheesy Hannah Montana when she really wants Lil Wayne....yah that's a later discussion...At this point Alexis says she is going to show her foster sister her ipod, but several minutes later she hasn't come back??

We didn't know that we would get to actually take the kids anywhere, but then Ronda (and yes that is how you spell her name) said we could take them to eat. The foster mom says she will go ask Alexis if she wants to go and that Alexis will probably say no, but she will ask anyway. I am starting to get the vibe that although they are very nice people, and even though they have been even encouraging the little kids that we are mom and dad...that they might not really be encouraging Alexis all that much to give us a chance? I dunno, but that is just my perception. That along with her later telling me that she has told Ronda and Alexis that she is more than welcome to stay there until she is 18. I am kind of concerned by this, because I hope she and Alexis understand that having a family means a commitment past the age of 18. Oops, there is another tangent, sorry. Anyways, Ronda tells her she would like me to go back and ask Alexis to go with us *GULP*. So I walk back to her room, I can hear my heart beating in my ears, and I am almost sure I might hyperventilate at this point, not to mention that the hallway is so dark I might lose my way or actually trip into her room-hmmm maybe making her laugh would be a good icebreaker?? Sorry again, off topic. So I ask her if she would like to go to McDonald's with us and she very politely says no thank you I have already eaten. But she is squirming and I can tell I have caught her off guard. I try to hold her gaze and sincerely tell her that I know she is scared, and that we are too and that we would like very much if she would come and that I promise it will just be very quick, we will bring her right back, and she can eat whatever she wants and as much as she wants. So she says okay! I say thank you so much, take your time and I will wait out there. I walk away thinking she will never come out, but she does and she comes right out and even helps load up the little ones. My heart is happy.

At McDonald's we play and Jose is full of energy. He minds very well and when we tell him he needs to eat his hamburger to fill up his muscles, he takes a huge bite and then shows us his guns. He is so proud and so are we. Chad and him do some races, and play with his little toys, we even lost the toys at one point and Chad had a lot of fun trying to dig them out from underneath the playground equipment with the broom. There was no way he was going to leave without his new son's toys. Very sweet. At one point Jose ran into a wall, and my mommy sense kicked into high gear. I had a hard time getting him to sit still long enough for me to make sure his head was okay. That was my first boo-boo kiss. I think he was a little surprised, and seemed very pleased...it actually slowed him down for a minute.

Makayla is a cuddle bug and loves all things girly, which I love. It is so exciting to have another little baby girl again. She had fun playing and climbing, and ate all of her food, which is amazing because she is pretty tiny. She has very fine, but curly hair, and these big eyes and pouty lips. I can tell she has a big personality in a little body. She latched onto me quick and was not shy. When I asked her if she went to school, she said yes, I asked her what she thought about maybe staying at home with me during the day and she got very excited at that idea and asked me if we could play Barbie's and dress up. And I told her I love to play Barbie's and can't wait to play with her. Chad connected with her by doing his usually goofy stuff, picking her up and tickling then swinging her around. She loved it and they were best friends by the end.

With Alexis, we talked about Halloween and I asked her what she wanted to be. She said they don't celebrate it:( I said what? She said they hand out candy and that's it. I said so then you aren't interested in picking out a costume then and going and getting candy? And she said no. I could tell she was interested though. So then I said what about if you get dressed up really scary and go around trying to scare people, or try to scare people when you hand out candy? So then she smiled. Although she is closed off at times, there were glimpses of her maybe being interested in what we have to offer. I think it will just take time. And I think it would take her understanding that adoption is for a lifetime and that just staying in fostercare doesn't mean a permanent family, and it would also mean her and her siblings being separated into 3 different places.

We leave here again at 2 today to go pick all of the kids up for the whole weekend and we are thrilled. We can't believe how things went last night. They went better than we were hoping and praying for. God is truly watching over us right now, as He has through this whole process. The plan is to have the little ones in our home permanently by the end of the month, and with Alexis it will just be a wait and see kind of thing. We just have to hope for the best at this point with her. We hope that bringing her home this weekend, she will she that we aren't so bad and that although change really sucks, that this life might be a really good life for her, and it is forever and means never having CPS involved in her life ever again. Maybe we can take them all to go pick out Halloween costumes and that will give them something to look forward to for when they come home. Maybe this one tiny little thing could be an incentive for Alexis to show her just some of the things we like to do as a family, because really that is just the tip of the iceberg. We also talked about getting her signed up for cheerleading this Spring.

To everyone that has posted messages and especially sent me personal and very heartfelt emails & texts, they mean the world and could not have come at a more important time. The Nye's, thank you again for babysitting and calling to check on us. Mom, for just everything!! The Anderson's for the yummy cookies yesterday as we were leaving. We appreciate all of your support and prayers, this has been quite possibly the biggest thing either one of us has experienced. When you have biological children, you have months to prepare and bond and when they get here you have years to shape and mold them and you have time to learn their personalities. In this situation, you don't really know what you are doing, or what you are getting yourself into. Your kids, the ones you have fought for, the ones you love and would die for, might hate you and might not want you and already have shaped thoughts and opinions and other people have raised them. Most of the time they have done so in a not so kind way. So we really, from the bottoms of our hearts thank you for your help and genuine love.

Oh, and we didn't take pictures because we didn't want to further freak out Alexis. We think the little ones would have been down for anything and you will probably see that this weekend, but we didn't want to push it. For those of you that won't see us. We will get plenty of pics this weekend and will post them later on.

To all of our friends and neighbors that will see us this weekend, be prepared. Please know we are all scared and anxious and more than a little nervous. We don't yet know how our kids will act around each other, us, or other people in public or at church. So this is our advance warning and possible apology, hahaha:) We hope to not cause to much of a raucous, but make no promises.....

The Watson Eight

Today we meet our kids!!!

Today is just a ree-donkulously, fantabulous day. Not only is it Monkey's birthday (my baby is 2!), but we meet our kids, wow. I have not slept much the past few nights anyway, but last night it was pretty much a waste to get into bed at all. I worried about everything from making cupcakes for Adler, to did I get the right presents for the kids, and did I go overboard...and of course I did! We will have to spread it out I guess.

I knew better, but once I was in the store my heart took over and I just kept thinking of all of the things I wanted to give them. And all of the things they don't yet have. And then there will be the issue of what Avery, Jack, and Adler already have and then trying to make sure things are even. I swear I almost had a panic attack in the store. This was with Monkey and Jack sneaking footballs and Hot Wheels in the cart at every turn by the way.

By the time we left, I am sure the girl checking us out thought it must be an early Christmas at our house. Actually, not too far off. The CPS workers told us by all means get our kids something, just not go crazy. Oops, sorry. We got Makayla Fancy Nancy dress up clothes, feather boas, crowns, dress up shoes, purses, sunglasses, and some play jewelry. We got Jose (Matthew) footballs, soccer balls, a tee ball set and glove, a scooter, and some Hot Wheels of course. And for Alexis an Ipod and some CD's. Again, sorry about the crazy. But I figure we can slowly hand these things out. Even though I am training to be a child therapist and everything in me knows better, when it is me in this position and it is my children, especially with Alexis having such a hard time- I see nothing wrong with a little bribe action. But we also want to make sure they know that we mean no harm, that we love them, we cherish them, we will take care of them, and good things are coming their way. Plus honestly, we want to do whatever we can with Alexis to break that barrier right now...maybe an Ipod loaded with Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato could be a good icebreaker from a mom and dad wearing Converse? We shall see...

There are a couple of people that have really helped us out the past few days that I want to mention and give a sincere thank you to. Kenny Nye- thank you for coming and meeting Avery yesterday so she had someone here after school since I got tied up at my own school! And thank you in advance for coming to stay with the kiddos for awhile today while we go meet our other kiddos. This has been a very stressful week, not just because of the placement stuff, but of course everything has all happened now at once, so we are scrambling to get things done. With this going on, and me being in the middle of mid-terms this week, and Chad starting his new job on Monday, we have sorta not known which way was up the past few days. Add to it a few disappointments as of late, and well you get my drift. You have been a true friend and we appreciate you for being there when we need you. It is hard to find really good friends, and when Chad and I do we hold them near and dear...but I think you know that.

And to my mom who has gone out of her way time and time again to help with this process. She was supportive of our decision right out of the gate, and has continued to support every decision we have made along the way. Every time I have asked you to help, you have found a way to do it, even if it meant rearranging your schedule time and time again, and this is with a business to run on your own. You were the first person that Chad and I told that did not look at us like we were crazy, ask us why we were doing it, or when we told you we were wanting three try to tell us it was too many. Your response was simply "What a fun house that is going to be, it is always so cozy, and full of laughter" and then I think you might have referred to our pantry also always being full of really good snacks, which I know is something you like:) We had some struggles and let downs this week, and you were there just like you always are. Again, you rearranged your schedule at the last minute even though you have something important going on, because you said this was more important. not only did you come and watch the kids so we could go to our meeting, but when we got home and I had to rush right to the computer to finish my 10 page paper, and then rush out the door to my 3 hour class, I came home to clean kids with clipped fingernails. Chad said you had stayed and done all of that. So know that it did not go unnoticed. You are helping again tonight when Kenny leaves, so I thank you in advance also. I appreciate you more than you know and love you very much.

Now I am off to spend the morning with my birthday boy and to try to relax as much as I can, if that is possible, before heading out at 2pm to go meet the rest of our forever family. I am not going to worry anymore about our kids not liking us. honestly, there are days when Avery, Jack, and Adler don't like us. That is part of life, part of being a family. So I am going to stop worrying about that and just start focusing on getting them home, all of them. And ya know....if it means a little bribing here and there, I am not above it!

Wish us luck~

Big Long White Vans

Got one, nuff said....

Well, actually I will say one more thing- I tried to find a BLACK one darn it!!! So it is getting painted, no making fun of the Watson family bus. I promise Chad will pimp my ride in short order, or at least as much as you can pimp out an E350.

Wow, that is just something I never really thought I would say.

Presentation Staffing Today

So today was our presentation staffing, which in english means meeting with caseworkers and phone conferences with the CASA workers that have been involved in our children's lives. We were told we would get to talk with the foster parent and counselor, but that did not happen. Again, miscommunication- no big surprise there. At this meeting there was also a lot of signing of paper work, promising that we would take care of our kids. To us this was like...duhhhh?! But I guess we are dealing with CPS and they are very used to seeing victimized children, so my bad...

The meeting started with introductions of everyone involved, and then getting the correct people conferenced in. We were given details on the bio parents. Not such fun stuff, and then on to the kids, the much more fun- although at times heartbreaking stuff. We talked about their lives, school, behavior, placements, foster parent, adjustment issues, etc.

We were told that Jose (Matthew) and Makayla are ready for placement and that after our initial few visits they expect that they will transition fairly easily. Jose would love to play football or some other sport and Makayla loves to be babied. (good thing, since all my kids are mommy's babies!) Alexis is a different story. She is very introverted and shy. (hmmmm, reminds me of......me!) She is extremely scared of whether this is really permanent or just another placement, so she has some pretty high anxieties right now and I don't blame her at all. Because of this she may come a week or two after the little ones but we won't know for sure until we see how our first few visits go. We will just have to see how she reacts to us.

After the meeting, Ronda(the kid's caseworker), was headed straight to the foster parent's house to give them our family book. This is a book that we had made for our kids a while back that is basically a little scrap book with pictures of our family and house so they can see what they are coming home to forever. Hopefully Chad's bald head doesn't scare them off, hee-hee:)

A few hours ago, we got a call from our caseworker that she had heard from Ronda and that she had taken the book to the kids, and Makayla and Jose had been very excited to see the pictures and that she thought they would do fantastic. This is great news. The bad news is that Alexis reacted as we thought, and was not so happy and is still upset that she is being moved. She said she knew that where she was wasn't permanent, but that she is tired of CPS controlling her life. My heart breaks for my child, and to know that I am part of the cause and only want to help make it better. I wish I could hold her right now but I can't. It will take weeks, maybe even months before I can get close enough to her to be able to do that. But we will get there. After a little while she did come out and look at our pictures and did crack a few smiles, so I will take that as a good sign. Maybe by Thursday she will have warmed a tiny little bit to the idea of being smothered by a mom and dad that want to drown her with love and affection. I can think of nothing I want more than to show these kids, all six of my kids how much I love them and how worthy they are of everything this world has to offer.

So tomorrow I am off to go shopping to buy some little trinkets for my new additions. Some token to show them we have been fighting hard for them for so long and have been thinking about them every minute of every day and night for the last several months. And before that, that we have been dreaming about them and this day for the past several years. How do you find a gift like that? I don't have a clue... All I want to do is smoosh my nose into their cheek and smell their necks.

We will meet our kids for the first time on Thursday at 5pm. On Friday we get to introduce all of the kids to each other and bring them to see their home. If this day goes really well, they will get to do a sleepover possibly and it may even turn into a whole weekend thing. If so we think we will get to have them most of the weekend it looks like and bring them to church with us even so they can meet our other family in the neighborhood.

So that is our update. We know everyone has been waiting but along with the meeting I am in the midst of midterms at school so I am just now getting home today.

Thank you all so much for your support and emails and posts today, it means more than you will ever know and brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion and that is not really such an easy thing to do, well okay....not super easy anyway!

What a wonderful, scary ride this is going to be~

Darbi

About TIME!!!

Finally!! It's about friggin time already! Amen! Hellelujah! Thank you God for answered prayers!

Just when I am starting to doubt things, and whether we should even be doing this, things turn around and the timing is just right. Not only do we get our kids, but this week Chad got offered a new position closer to home. No weekends, no more commuting, and more money for our growing brood. What a blessing for our family, I swear we are the luckiest people on the face of the earth and don't deserve it one little bit.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, thinking of all of the things that have already gone wrong. Of all of the things that could still possible go wrong and how I would handle never meeting these kids that have grown in my heart and feel like my own. I had my nerves in knots and was making myself sick. I checked my phones so many time to make sure they were charged and that the ringers were on and turned on as loud as they could go so I would not miss that call. And wouldn't you know, that the minute I take a dirty diaper out to the trash....I MISS the call!!!

When I called Kimberly back she is laughing because I am freaking out since I missed her, so I immediately know that things must have gone okay. She tells me simply "are you ready to move forward?", uhhhhh- yeah! So then the phone tag starts between me, her, and our kiddos caseworker to schedule our presentation staffing, which is where we will get to meet the workers involved and have a conference call with the foster parents that have been taking care of my babies. This will happen 10/13.

More importantly, we will meet our children for the very first time on 10/15, which is also Adler's birthday. How perfect is that? We will have three total placement visits before our kids can come home. If the first one goes well, and we hope that it will (crap, what if they don't even like us and don't want to come home??) , then we can have the next two right away. How fast those visits go depend on the kids and how well they accept us.

Here is the sad part, and something I knew would happen with all the delays, and frankly it really pisses me off at the whole "system", which is less of a system and more like people in government with rules that make no sense and people that report to no one.....Sorry, got off on a tangent-anyway- Alexis is having a hard time and may need a few more placement visits than the younger two before we can bring her home. As we knew might happen, she has just started her first year of middle school and is anxious about leaving. It is our hope, and the caseworker's hope that once she sees our pictures and learns more about us, and then meets us and we get to bring her home to see her house and room and neighborhood, that she will want to come home. But we will be patient with her and it may take some extra time.

I put the blame of this solely on the Judges and lawyers that were put in place to protect these children and others like them, and failed them miserably. Had they done their job, these children would have been home with us in June!

As for Aaron, the fourth child, we are now being told that he will be staying where he is, as parental rights have not been terminated. They were not correct before about that. I don't think CPS workers talk to each other apparently? Even when they do pursue this avenue, they think that his current foster parents may pursue his adoption. So it does not look like we will end up with four children. The good news is that his foster parents are very open to letting us remain in contact with him and letting the kids do things together, and they do live in driving distance for us all to be able to get together, and that is wonderful!

Even without Aaron on board and owning a Tahoe, we will be off this weekend to add a van to the family garage. But I promise no long white ones that look like a big daycare van. And you won't see any of those stick figure family stickers on it either....our family is just getting too big- it would wrap around the thing!!

Thank you all very sincerely from the deepest pits of our hearts (so poetic, I know) for all the love, support, and prayers over the past few days, months, years while we wait for our kids. We would have given up long ago without our wonderful family friends, and neighbors. We really are the luckiest~

Are we Crazy?

The first responses we got when we told people we were adopting were one of two things. It was either "That is awesome, congratulations!", or "Are you guys crazy?!" We loved the first one because we looked at it just as if we were pregnant. To us it was no different and that is how we would have like others to approach it also. However, we are not total idgets and realize that not everyone understands why people that have already had their "own" children would go off and do something crazy like OMG have more kids for goodness sakes! That's just nuts, right? Well, maybe.

Let me try to explain why we didn't like the crazy response so much, but also why we didn't really take offense to it either. Like I have said before, we viewed it as...okay, so yes we have three kids already and yes they are biological- so what? God put all kids here, right? They all need parents, why not us? We love kids, especially ours and we could care less how they got here. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't care too much for the whole pregnancy thing to begin with. I mean- someone is going to just give me more kids and I don't have to swell, get high blood pressure, Bells Palsy, or gain 70 plus pounds and eat everything in sight, then work it off for several years (yes I said years!!)? I'm in! Chad and I have many things in common, the main thing, and our priority in our marriage has always been our kids. It has been what keeps us strong when things have been hard or times have been rough, we have always been able to smile or laugh when we look at our kids. There just really is nothing better in life. If you have them , you know. If you don't, I am so sorry.

We also do not take offense to the crazy response because, well we understand why some people just don't get it...nuff said.

Now more on the crazy issue:) I have had a whole lotta a crazy in my life from various sources. Some sources still give me issues. These sources are probably what have led me down the paths I have gone down...being drawn to kids, wanting to be a therapist working with family's and kids, always trying to avoid conflicts at all costs, the list goes on. I have a different take on crazy than most people.

My kind of crazy involves a sometimes messy living room with matchbox cars lined up in the middle of the floor, paint splatters on the wall and carpet and our dog's hair sometimes being trimmed in secrecy. It means sometimes daily chicken nuggets, french fries, and Sponge Bob shaped mac n' cheese. It means night school, a husband that commutes, and both of us coaching soccer. It means trying dance, gymnastics, and karate, then realizing Avery thinks she is a horse. It means walks to the park, weekends at the pool, Sundays at church, and lunches with our friends and neighbors. It means a hormonal pre-teen, a booger obsessed four year old that puts them on chips and eats them, and a toddler that really acts and squeals like a Monkey. It means make shift tents and S'mores inside on the stove when it rains. It means things getting knocked off the walls when balls are kicked and thrown indoors (and that is usually by Chad!). It means lots of squishy kisses, tackle hugs, and daily, hourly lovin'. It means never being alone even when you want to be, like when you want to go to the bathroom or take a shower. It means having pranks pulled on you all the time, it also means the house is full of laughter and playtime. It means my new car is full of dings and scratches, toys, and lost french fries even though no one is really "supposed to eat in there. It means getting things wiped on you constantly that you are not sure what or where they came from (just got that done do me as I type...) It means all privacy and time to yourself, as well as quiet is out the window. It means a future of uncertainty and probably some painful years and troubled times for sure, yes we are aware they actually do turn into teenagers at some point! It means never watching your own shows and when you do, constantly being interrupted. It means sometimes a lot of crying and days full of tears and sometimes your hearts feels like it might burst or stop altogether, due to pain but more often than not and the reason we parents do it- is because of the joys and rewards that it brings. Watching your children grow and develop is such an amazing, wonderful thing. Have you ever actually watched a child look at a bug, or play in a hose? Have you ever tickled your kid until they laughed so hard that even you couldn't stop from totally losing yourself in the moment? That is why we do it.

But for all of these reasons that my life is crazy and chaotic, other people's craziness to me is the kind of drama I have lived with before and do not desire to waste my time with. The rewards to my craziness are so vast. Filling your life with the drama of fighting constantly with your family or getting into other people's business, or always worrying what other's think of you, or wasting your time sitting around being lonely doing nothing with your life is just wasting a life. It serves no purpose, yours or anyone else's. I decided a long time ago that I was done with that kind of crazy in my life. Other people can have that kind of crazy. Some people can truly be toxic and I want none of that. I will take my kind of crazy any day.

So if you happen to be one of those people that thought to yourself "Wow, those Watson's are crazy for doing that!" that's okay. Just now you know why we are doing what we are doing, and why to us, this kind of crazy makes sense for us. It may not be for everyone. Some people may prefer the craziness of everyday soap opera drama. I much prefer having some warm, cuddly kids to come home to, fighting for a spot next to me on the couch, or a dogpile in bed on Saturday morning before a day at the soccer field. But that's just us....

9/22 Adoption-The Start of it all...

So....many people have asked if we had a blog to document our family's journey through the process of our adoption and sadly up to this point we have not. For those of you that know me well, I am not that computer savvy- or well, let's be honest socially inept at putting myself "out" there. But, with all of the delays and issues that we have faced along the way, not to mention the heartaches and pains that our whole family has endured to get through this trying time...here we go...

As many of you know Chad and I decided before Adler was even born that adoption would probably be in our future, or should I say I decided:) Kidding, only slightly, though he knew it was close to my heart and in reality his heart has always been too big for his own good to begin with, which has always worked to my advantage and our kids. So what better man to raise even more kids, right? My thinking exactly! So I worked on buttering him up from that angle, you know...look at what a great Dad you are, there are so many kids that just are not that lucky, etc, etc. It did not take much convincing. However, we also knew that we wanted to have one more child biologically and that we should do so before bringing other children into the home, and that is when our little Monkey came along. The desire to adopt stayed strong throughout the pregnancy with Adler, and in a weird way I almost felt guilty for putting adoption off, is that wrong?

Adler was exactly 4 months old when we attended our first CPS meeting and started filling out the paperwork to get started, and he now is about to turn 2 in a few weeks. That first meeting was SO scary, and it didn't seem like we fit in at all. On top of it all, I swear the CPS workers were trying to scare us off, or that is how it seemed. I don't know if that was their purpose or if they are used to so many people showing up and just saying hell no or what, but it did make us think twice. At this meeting we were told to pick an agency and we picked the Gladney Center for Adoption in Fort Worth, which by the way we have the BEST case worker ever Kimberly Craddock, who checks in with us every week. Many case workers do not do this, so we have an exceptional agency and worker and are blessed in that respect.

It took almost four months to get all of the paper work done, and this included everything from doctor clearances for everyone, vet clearances for our dogs, FBI checks and fingerprinting, credit checks, checklists for what child/children you are "willing" to accept along with what gender and races and hard to place instances you can handle like abuse or sibling groups. After all of that we attended a weekend long training class in Fort Worth that included training on adoption needs to make you aware of all the issues that you will face as an adoptive parent- like abuse issues, sensitivity issues, bonding, ADHD and other disorders, attachment issues, oh and we got CPR certified...Chad really enjoyed this part! A few months after this was our home study where our worker came out to our house to inspect and view our home and meet and interview us and our kids, or the kids that can talk anyway. After that visit, we had to go back to Fort Worth for the second interview. Two months later our home study and final approval came through and we were ready for the matching process and could finally start looking for children. This was 12/08.

We got the call about Alexis, Matthew, and Makayla at the end of April and were given very little information. The conversation went something like this "Hi Darbi. I have a possible match for you! I know you guys said only one, maybe two children- but I have a sibling group of three kids that I think would be a perfect match for you. I would like to send their picture to you and tell you a little bit about them and you tell me if I can send your study in on them." Kim then told me all about them and I was in love without even seeing their faces. Five minutes later I hear the ding that the e-mail has come through and I click on the picture and my heart just melts. I can literally feel it, like about to burst and the tears just start streaming. I didn't even call Chad I just sent him the picture and he called home right away and we talked very briefly before he agreed that it must be God's plan. He wouldn't give us more than we can handle, He never has especially where children are concerned-we are truly blessed.

Our study was sent in, and the staffing, which is where the workers narrow it down to three of the best families, was set for May 22, 2009. This is the day we were officially matched with our children and knew they would be ours. We were then given a cardboard box with files for all three of them to go through and we were given 48 hours to change our minds to move forward. We did not, of course find anything that we can not handle, and let them know to move forward and a date was set to finalize placement for June.

A few days later we received a call from CASA that we could not move forward with the June hearing without having the CASA volunteers assigned to the case come to our home to approve the home and the kids rooms as a placement. What?! Can you say FREAK OUT?! This meant that we had less than two weeks to get all three rooms completely re-done to fit three more kids before they came to visit our home. All I can say is that we are the luckiest people on earth because my wonderful brother, sister in law, mom, and some of the best neighbors and friends you could ever ask for pulled together the quickest and most awesomest adoption shower to help us get everything we needed and more for our new additions. Somehow we managed to pull it off and we re-organized, re-arranged, even re-painted all three rooms, bought furniture for all three kids, new bedding, even new clothes. Our God is an awesome God for sure. That and we are blessed with some truly amazing friends and family. My Dad was even in town for all the festivities and I got to drag him around to pick out bedding with me. He doesn't realize yet how special this was to me, maybe now he knows. Anyway, it all got done and CASA came and she was amazing and loved the rooms and knows our kids very well and shared some personal stories with us which was a bonding experience for us to get to hear some intimate details of our children's lives. And to hear from her that she thought they will be so happy with us and that after meeting us she was so glad that they chose us...she almost shed a tear I think a time or two.

As most of you know, that hearing was delayed when a biological family member filed an intervention. Our hearts crumbled as we heard this news. We thought this meant we had lost our children before we had even gotten to hold them in our arms. Turns out though, that these people not only do not have a legal standing to file an intervention, as the timeframe to file an appeal to the termination of parental rights was up two years ago, but these people have been deemed already by CPS as not suitable as a placement on numerous occasions. So basically, they had no shot in hell before even filing this non-legal intervention, but since it has been filed in a court it must be dismissed in a court. That is our beautiful justice system at work for you. Got to love our tax dollars hard at work, just going round and round in circles. Hearing was re-set then for July 14th.

At the July 14th hearing, everyone shows up for the dismissal hearing so that we can move on with the placement of our kids. We have been told for weeks now that this will be nothing, just a formality to get the paper signed and that by the end of the week- and by Alexis's birthday on the 24th, that our kids will be sleeping in their own beds in their own forever and ever home. BUT...they get to court and the Judge ends up being the the attorney that prosecuted this case when he was a public prosecuter a few years prior so he had to AGAIN re-set the hearing! Hearing is re-set for August 10th.

August 10th comes and again we are told "There is no way this will not go right this time. This is the weirdest case I have ever had. You at least will have your kids before school starts, I know it stinks that you missed Alexis's birthday, but...."yada, yada, yada. At this point we are not believing anything anymore until our kids are sitting in front of our faces. And with good reason. Because yet again, things do not go right. We are told that a lawyer (who's we are not told, and what it has to do with why this has to be re-set again...ummm, dunno!) is preggers. She obviously should have been on that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, because how you can be a court appointed lawyer working for the state of Texas, advocating for Foster children nonetheless!!!, and not have someone prepared to cover your cases for you when you are going to be having a baby and out on maternity leave for three months is just beyond my scope of belief! Again, our tax dollars well spent people. Hearing re-set for October 5th. There are not enough words to describe the pain this has caused, there aren't even tears left.

The worst part of it all is that for the little kids, it is not as bad. They are still young enough and Matthew may not remember having to start his first ever year of school at one place and then two months later be uprooted and moved again. (For the 4th placement in 3 yrs) I am being sarcastic of course, because this all sucks-it was totally avoidable. What is even worse, yes it gets worse, is that for Alexis who is 12 and whose birthday we missed due to all of the delays, she started her first year of junior high school this year and will also now be uprooted, two months after beginning, to be moved to a new school, new city, new friends, and a new family. Does anyone remember what it was like to start junior high and how scary it was anyway? Now think of all of the things she will face that could have been avoided had our system not failed her.

These are the reasons I took to writing every Texas Representative and Congressman and asked my friends and neighbors to do the same. I would like to say that it made a difference for my case, and it's not that no one didn't try because several good people that really care tried to do what they could and it still wasn't enough to fix our extremely flawed foster adoption system. Rep.Tan Parker got extremely involved in our case and is continuing to keep a close eye on our case and has given his word to do so until he sees that our kids have made it home. On top of that he has asked for me to write a testimony of our experience over the last few years and suggestions on what needs to be changed to help get foster children moved through the system and into permanent homes faster so that their childhoods are not wasted in foster care. He is creating a foster adoption reform committee to work on reform legislation to get passed for next legislation, so something good has come from all of these delays and although it didn't benefit our family maybe it will help another child or family down the road.

So there is the start of our adoption story. Oct 5th is finally fast approaching and can't get here fast enough. The few pictures I have of my kids will be worn out by the time they get here, and I can't wait to hold them and never let them go. For those of you that know me well~you may see me a teary eyed mess for weeks to come!

Will post more on updates about Aaron-the fourth kiddo as we learn more about his status. We still do not know much more other than that it is still planned that he will eventually be placed with us but the father has a certain amount of time to appeal his termination of his rights and that time is not up yet. Until then we don't want to jinx anything or get too emotionally caught up. My heart can't handle much more.....

Thank you for all of your support and interest and if you ever have questions I am an open book just ask!!